Many couples struggle to keep connection alive and maintain a happy sex life.
Studies has shown that a regular sex life, supersedes commitment.
In my Couples Counselling sessions, I hear again and again a mismatch in desire and a confusion about what each person needs and wants when it comes to sex.
Often there is a need for greater connection, a craving to have their partner be more intimate... whilst one partner may want more sex.
Intimacy "usually denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, sharing, and feelings of closeness"
It is the things and situations that help couples know each other more deeply and closely. And it brews the conditions for some people to move towards sex.
I say some people because every person is different and gender does not define how someone engages in sex and what it is that they need.
Relationship counselling with a sex therapist, takes into account the needs of both individuals, what their beliefs and ideas are around sex and intimacy and helps to create a bridge of connection and understanding so that couples can have better sex lives and relationships.
Situations that can build intimacy are, slowing things down in the day to create a window where the two of you ( or however many in the relationship) can connect. And listen to each other.
Listening is a skill.
It is not comparing, giving advice, shaming etc... it is an embodied art of full body sensing what is going on for the other person.
This helps for those feelings of closeness and sharing to occur.
Sitting on a couch together with phones away and tv off, is a good start.
Taking a moment to make eye contact, touch each other and breathe together is even better.
Intimacy can occur after sex, those moments to share and reflect and cuddle.
It's being brave and soft towards yourself to share your vulnerability. No matter what your gender is, this capacity to soften and nurture your "feminine energy" the receptive flow part, helps you to feel more and allow for more emotional connection to another.
It can happen while going for a walk together and asking deeper questions.
And intimate partner should know things about what worries you, what you are striving for, what dreams would you like to reach. They also check in on things like your doctor's visit that you went to, your friendships and remember what it was you last shared and take the care and effort to check in on.
SEX:
Sex is anything that happens with two or more consenting adults, usually naked and involving play, genitals and bodies.
Sex, can be how intimacy gets expressed. The heart connected expression of your love for this person. The more you know someone, intimately, their bodies, their needs, their fear, their passions, their is a greater chance of having better sex.
People go deeper and let you see them, the more they feel safe and seen.
Sometimes, and often, sex helps individuals feel closer. This is often a tricky challenge for some couples, where the other partner needs more connection first before sex, where as the other partner feels closer WITH sex. So in therapy when bring curiosity to how we can get these couples to feel connected and look at what is stopping them from being interested in sex.
The more sex couples, it often is reported that the more connected they feel - if it is good sex. Good sex, is subjective and personal to each individual and something that needs to be discussed and discovered in a partnership. So keep your curiosity open and check in with your partner. This is part of being intimate.
How sex gets expressed is unique to the individuals and can be anything at all as long as all people are consenting. It is not, only penetration. Expanding this view really helps widen what is possible and desirable.
Sex, is also something that can be done solo. SOLO SEX.
And in a relationship this is an important consideration, if one partner is not feeling met by a lower libido partner. The other person is not responsible for your sexual needs. They can certainly be an important and wonderful sexy part of your sexual needs but they do not have to fulfil all your needs, which is why self pleasure/masturbation is a healthy and great way to keep your pleasure cup filled.
I offer Couples Counselling and Individual Counselling and Sex Therapy sessions.
I am a Somatic Sexologist, Relationship Coach and Counsellor, offering couples sessions online and in person for the Geelong area. You can find my services via www.embodiedsexology.com and follow me on instagram- www.instagram.com/embodied_sexology
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